I can't take it anymore. Christmas just feels so lonely and awkward now. I wish it would just be done with and gone already. I hate it. Everyday I go to work and watch as families and children laugh and giggle filling there baskets full of presents, toys and decorations. And everyday it feels like the hole in my heart becomes more and more hollow. What happened to my happy family? Why can't I decorate the tree with my baby and his father? Why cant I spoil Jayden with all the toys he could ever possibly want?
I hate knowing that on Christmas instead of spending it with my baby and his father, I will be spending it at the cemetery in fear of running into his father.
I've spent some time buying kids toys, books, and clothes to donate to parents who can't afford to but there children Christmas presents, in Jaydens honor. And I've made plans with a friend to spend part of Christmas day feeding the poor in downtown Phoenix in honor of Jayden. Helping others and trying to think of ways I can honor Jayden has helped keep my mind a little more stable.
Right now what is killing me the most is the loneliness. I miss "my" family. I just want Christmas to be done and gone.
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry. The holidays are rough enough. I feel sad that you are experiencing so much loneliness; it's just not right. Your dedication to giving to others in honor of Jayden is wonderful. Sending lots of thoughts for more peaceful days.
Thanks for your comment, I see u to hate the holdays! ((hugs))
I;m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better about the holidays but I have been dreading them as well. I avoid the shopping scene and the Christmas music as much as I can. Trying to plan a quiet holiday.
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