deja vous

I was 23 weeks 5 days pregnant when Jayden was born... Right now I am 20 weeks 4 days pregnant... It's really weird approaching Jaydens gestation...it's like I can't wait to pass that mark. . . but at the same time it's going to be weird...I don't even know how to explain why.

The baby's name is going to be Reagan Cheyanne. It was going to be Reagan Jade, so she could have a part of her brothers name, but we decided not to do that because some people think that she will grow up thinking we were trying to replace Jayden with her.

She started kicking allot a few weeks ago, which is great, I keep getting deja vous with when I was pregnant with Jayden though. All kinds of things have been making me have deja vous lately....I grabbed some lotion the other day and put it on and had to stop because I started having flashbacks of walking down the colorful halls of Phoenix Children's hospital, I almost started to cry...It must have been the same lotion I wore back when Jayden was here.

I've also been feeling so guilty lately because I've caught myself a few times thinking about how I cant wait for October 4th to get here...because that's when this baby is due....BUT then I stop and think twice....that's also the day Jayden passed away....how on earth could I even for a second look forward to that day....

It's weird but A part of me really believes that this baby is due on that day for a reason....like Jayden is sending me a reason so that I don't have to hate and dread that day anymore.....but I still feel extremely guilty when I think about it.

I am still on edge everyday. I know there are still so many things that can go wrong. I want so bad to just be optimistic and have faith that everything will be ok, but I cant.

" I know there'll be days, when this life brings me pain. But if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain"

Happy Mothers Day to all Angel Mommys

I just wanted to take the time to wish all the angel mommy's out there a Happy Mothers day...I know its a very hard day, and I know all to well that alot of people forget about us on days like today.
I went to the cemetery this morning and brought Jayden some new flowers and some toys. There were more people out there today than there were on Christmas.
I was thinking about what I would be doing today if Jayden were still here...I would probably take him to the park to play, take him to see both of his Grandmas, but most of all I would hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him and how proud I am to be his mom.

A Mother's Day Ode

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminsh my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an Infinite bond which cannot come undone.
I will not let Death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart.
©Susan Mosquera, all rights reserved

Where has the time gone...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I hadn't really thought about it until today. There's not much I can do to celebrate sense I'm on bed rest so I decided I'll just have a quiet day and go visit Jayden at the cemetery. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks...August is only 3 months away now, that means in a little over three months Jayden will be A two year old.
It's been driving me crazy lately with this new pregnancy. I'm at 18 weeks now and we just found out a couple weeks ago that it's going to be a baby girl! but it's so hard answering people's questions...all the time people are assuming that this is my first pregnancy and trying to give me advice on what its going to feel like when the baby kicks and moves..I'm constantly having to remind people that I was 6 months pregnant with Jayden before he was born, I know what it's like to be pregnant.
But then the worse part is when people start telling me how to take care of a newborn and how I'm not going to get all the sleep...you know, the usual...I want to snap there heads off and scream that I've already had a baby! that I have a son he's just not here anymore! but I can't...I have to bite my tongue and nod my head in agreement.. It breaks my heart to suck up my pride and admit that even though Jayden lived for almost 6 weeks I never got to do any of the normal everyday things you would do with a newborn. I hate taking advise on things that I should already know...but don't....It honestly makes me feel like a failure as a mom.
It's hard for me to picture my son as a two year old. All these questions run through my mind...What would he look like? what would he do? what would he be like? would he be a daddy's boy or a Mommy's boy? I wander if anyone else thinks about Jayden as much as I do....I think about him everyday...