They Just Don't Stop.

The dreams. I had another one again the other night.


I was in the same high risk hospital bed, in the same room at Good Sam, when the main Neonatologist from Jayden's team of doctors walked into my room. She was coming to give me the same consultation on the NICU that she gave me with Jayden. Only this consult was before I gave birth to this new baby.


So many emotions came over me, even in the dream. The same doctor...the doctor which I have spent so much time and energy hating for the last year...she thinks I'm going to allow her to care for this child too...In the dream I couldn't decide, I didn't know what to do or say to her, I was in so much shock even having to face her.


I don't know why I've put so much blame on this doctor for the last year, after all she did give me the 5 weeks and 3 days that I had with Jayden, she even came to his funeral and sent flowers to the house. But there is still a huge part of me that hates her for not making my son better, and for the attitude I always felt she had because he was a micro preemie. She is the doctor that agreed with the other doctors to up Jaydens feeds, leading to a horrible chain of events. First it caused him to perforate his intestines, which caused him to have 2 enterococcus infections which later turned into spinal meningitis, and it caused him to have Necrotizing enterocolitis. All of which inevitably led to his death. But...because it is "common practice" to feed micro preemies like this.... I'm not allowed to blame her....Bull... See, I have such mixed feelings about her, and some of the other doctors, that I don't even know what to do with it all, so I just try my hardest not to think about it.



I don't even know why I am having these dreams, I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong with this baby, but so far everything is going perfect.





I actually drove within A mile or two of the hospital last week without having a panic attack. I could see it from the stop light. I just kept thinking...that's where my son took his first breath...that's where he opened his eyes and griped onto my hand...that's where he died.


I actually thought about seeing how close I could get to the hospital without breaking down. There has been a few times when I've thought about forcing myself to go there and go out to the healing garden where Jayden passed away in my arms...But I don't think I'm ready yet...I'm to afraid of the nurses and doctors I might run into, or who might recognize me.








Jayden's Incubator.

Fearfull Dreams

I had the most horrible dream last night. My boyfriend (Jayden's dad) and I were back walking down the hall of Phoenix Children's hospital NICU. When we reach the entrance to the NICU doors I took Vince's hand and slowly approached the receptionists desk. When she opened the window I immediately started rattling off the names of Jayden's 4 primary nurses that we had picked out..."Dikaledi, Julie, Lisa, Denise..." I told the receptionist that we needed to talk to whichever one of them was there and that it was urgent. Julie then came out of the NICU doors and recognized us right off, she started to ask us how we were doing and trying to catch up. Before she could finish a sentence I started telling her that Vince and I were going to have another baby soon and that It was definitely going to be a preemie, and definitely going to have to spend a lot of time in the NICU so they should be prepared because I wanted them to primary this baby as well. She had this look on her face like she totally understood and that it was no shock that this baby would too be a preemie...Then we left, and that was it.
I woke up with the weirdest feeling, and its been bothering me all day.
I hate dreams like that, I don't want anything like that to happen this time. My biggest fear is ever having to bury another one of my children, or ever having to step foot in another NICU. I can't even drive by Good Samaritan Hospital without having a panic attack.
Being pregnant again is weird. I'm happy, but I'm constantly comparing things to when I was pregnant with Jayden and it makes me sad. I compare everything to do with babies with Jayden, and everything to do with pregnancy. Everything is a constant reminder of how much I miss my little man, sometimes it's a good feeling, but a lot of times it just makes me sad. I can't even go to my OB's office without thinking about when I was going there pregnant with Jayden.


"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”