Walk for Jayden

Earlier this year I formed a team with the March of Dimes called "Walk for Jayden". The March of dimes main goal is to fight premature birth and to give all babies a healthy start at life. I've tried to do everything I can to support the March of Dimes sense Jayden passed away, sense he was such a preemie, and I know he wouldn't want other babies to go through everything he went through.
Anyways my Prescott walk for Walk for Jayden was this past September 13Th, it was a 4 mile walk around downtown Prescott. I didn't know until today that Walk for Jayden was the number 1 family team who raised the most, until today when I got this beautiful Award in the mail. I know it's silly, but I just love seeing Jaydens name on anything and the feeling that he's being remembered. Its a great feeling to know that we were the top team and that none of it would have happened without my baby boy.
I love and miss you everyday JJ. You're my inspiration.

Thanksgiving

So I made it through Thanksgiving. For some reason the anticipation of today has really been eating at me. I actually ended up crying at work yesterday over something really stupid and my manager ended up sending me on a cigarette/coffee break to calm down. I had to remind her that I quit smoking a month ago, but she had me go get a cigarette out of her locker anyways to calm down, it did help a little.
I keep thinking...what do I have to be thankful for this year...A good friend told me I should be thankful for my job, and that I'm alive...Well here's my answer to that...what good is being alive and having a job if you don't have you're family to share it with? granted I have my mom and dad, brother and grandparents, but my son and my husband...the family I had built for myself is gone.
I spent the morning at the cemetery visiting Jayden and cleaning his headstone, even though the rain from last night and today already did a fairly good job at that . I left him a big cute scare crow, and some more pretty fall flowers. While I was sitting out at the cemetery it came to me that I should be extremely thankful for the 5 weeks and three days I had with my son because I wouldn't trade those days for anything in the world. I'm thankful for getting to know him. I'm thankful for being able to hold him and talk to him. I'm thankful for being able to change his diaper and help wash him. And I'm thankful for being able to hold him and comfort him while he passed.
I don't remember anything about Thanksgiving last year except that my ex moved to Texas the day after and came back home 3 days after that. This year Thanksgiving landed on my moms birthday so I felt really obligated to participate in the "family get together" because I wanted her to have a happy birthday. I had a cake made for her at work, and got her the heating foot masassger that she had been wanting. I spent the afternoon hanging out with my younger cousins and eating ham.
Overall it wasn't as bad as I've been anticipating for the last week and now I have black Friday to look forward to! Can't wait to get up at 4a.m. tomorrow and go shopping!!

One picture turned my whole night around

This has been a really rough week for me but tonight coming home and finding this picture made me so happy I started to cry. For some reason seeing Jayden's name in the sand next to the sunset and the beach (my favorite place) just looks so peaceful and gentle.

I've been working in the bakery at work for this past week which is not my usual department, so not everyone knows me or everything that's happened in the last year.

I've found myself having to explain my story at least once a day. Normally that wouldn't bother me because I've become like such a robot when it comes to explaining it that I show no emotion, but for some reason lately I've been really emotional.

I think it may have something to do with the holidays coming up. I don't even remember much of the holidays last year because everything was so fresh, but this year I feel really pressured to act normal and happy for the holidays and the truth is...I really don't want to. Everyone is acting like everything is the same as it always was, but my life is far from what it was before.

The Beginning

So I thought now would be a good time to start blogging. Things have not been the same sense my son, my baby boy Jayden passed away last October. It's been a little over a year now, and I'm still A mess. So I thought maybe blogging about my feelings would be a little therapeutic.
I spent the first few months after Jayden passed away completely numb, almost like I was in shock. For the first few weeks I woke up crying every morning wanting to rush to the nicu to see my baby boy, trying to convince myself that what had happened was just a nightmare...almost like I was in denial.
Exactly two months after my baby boy passed away my ex husband, my baby’s daddy, left me. For no reason other than he "couldn't deal with the relationship anymore." It was then that i freaked out. Up until then, he had been my rock, my comfort, the one I relied on to make everything better and comfort me while i tried to deal with the recent death of my son. Only what I didn't realize at the time is that he had to deal with it too...Only he needed to deal with it by himself.
After dealing with the numbness, and the distraction of my ex leaving me, I became angry. Sooo Angry. There where times when I became so frustrated that I hit walls or threw things. I blamed everyone and everything. But mostly I blame myself.
Two of the hardest days where the year mark, Jaydens birthday, and the day he passed away. The hardest part was the anticipation leading up to those days. His birthday was the hardest. I didn't know what to do with myself other than cry, and write him letters and talk to him. Of corse I visited his grave, and decorated it, but nothing could take away that empty feeling of not being able to celebrate that day with my little boy.
Now, A year later, I am sad. I kept anticipating that after a year things would get better, but they haven't. My arms are still empty, as well as my heart. I'm still angry from time to time, but mostly sad. There are so many un answered questions that are constantly running threw my head, the what if's...the why's. I almost feel as if I'm bi-polar sometimes these days, I can go from being just fine, and then a trigger will hit, I’ll see a baby that looks like Jayden or hear someone say his name, and I'll tear up. At first I couldn't even look at babies, couldn't touch them, couldn't even smile at them...because it made me feel guilty. But now I've gotten to the point where I talk to them and smile at them and do whatever I can to get them to smile at me, because I've convinced myself that every time a baby smiles at me that it's really my Jayden sending me a smile from Heaven. Then there are the times when I still get angry when I see a pregnant woman smiling and giggling thinking this is just such a perfect world...and I want to run up to her and tell her all the things that could still go wrong with her pregnancy and her baby because that’s what happened to me....but i don't...because deep inside I know that her and her baby are going to be just fine. But I can't be happy for her...and it makes me sad, because I don't want to be a cynical person.
I think about Jayden everywhere I go, I see him everywhere I go, I dream about him, and I long to be with him again...Friends and family try to comfort me by telling me I'll go on to have more children, sure maybe I will, in fact I'm almost sure I will, but that doesn't fill the hole in my heart, nobody could replace Jayden. I've become amazing at convincing people that I'm ok, when the truth is I'm screaming on the inside. I smile, I laugh, but when I'm alone I hurt. The truth is sense I lost my son I've become a totally different person. Broken. Damaged goods.