I was 23 weeks 5 days pregnant when Jayden was born... Right now I am 20 weeks 4 days pregnant... It's really weird approaching Jaydens gestation...it's like I can't wait to pass that mark. . . but at the same time it's going to be weird...I don't even know how to explain why.
The baby's name is going to be Reagan Cheyanne. It was going to be Reagan Jade, so she could have a part of her brothers name, but we decided not to do that because some people think that she will grow up thinking we were trying to replace Jayden with her.
She started kicking allot a few weeks ago, which is great, I keep getting deja vous with when I was pregnant with Jayden though. All kinds of things have been making me have deja vous lately....I grabbed some lotion the other day and put it on and had to stop because I started having flashbacks of walking down the colorful halls of Phoenix Children's hospital, I almost started to cry...It must have been the same lotion I wore back when Jayden was here.
I've also been feeling so guilty lately because I've caught myself a few times thinking about how I cant wait for October 4th to get here...because that's when this baby is due....BUT then I stop and think twice....that's also the day Jayden passed away....how on earth could I even for a second look forward to that day....
It's weird but A part of me really believes that this baby is due on that day for a reason....like Jayden is sending me a reason so that I don't have to hate and dread that day anymore.....but I still feel extremely guilty when I think about it.
I am still on edge everyday. I know there are still so many things that can go wrong. I want so bad to just be optimistic and have faith that everything will be ok, but I cant.
" I know there'll be days, when this life brings me pain. But if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain"
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