I was in the same high risk hospital bed, in the same room at Good Sam, when the main Neonatologist from Jayden's team of doctors walked into my room. She was coming to give me the same consultation on the NICU that she gave me with Jayden. Only this consult was before I gave birth to this new baby.
So many emotions came over me, even in the dream. The same doctor...the doctor which I have spent so much time and energy hating for the last year...she thinks I'm going to allow her to care for this child too...In the dream I couldn't decide, I didn't know what to do or say to her, I was in so much shock even having to face her.
I don't know why I've put so much blame on this doctor for the last year, after all she did give me the 5 weeks and 3 days that I had with Jayden, she even came to his funeral and sent flowers to the house. But there is still a huge part of me that hates her for not making my son better, and for the attitude I always felt she had because he was a micro preemie. She is the doctor that agreed with the other doctors to up Jaydens feeds, leading to a horrible chain of events. First it caused him to perforate his intestines, which caused him to have 2 enterococcus infections which later turned into spinal meningitis, and it caused him to have Necrotizing enterocolitis. All of which inevitably led to his death. But...because it is "common practice" to feed micro preemies like this.... I'm not allowed to blame her....Bull... See, I have such mixed feelings about her, and some of the other doctors, that I don't even know what to do with it all, so I just try my hardest not to think about it.
I don't even know why I am having these dreams, I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong with this baby, but so far everything is going perfect.
I actually drove within A mile or two of the hospital last week without having a panic attack. I could see it from the stop light. I just kept thinking...that's where my son took his first breath...that's where he opened his eyes and griped onto my hand...that's where he died.
I actually thought about seeing how close I could get to the hospital without breaking down. There has been a few times when I've thought about forcing myself to go there and go out to the healing garden where Jayden passed away in my arms...But I don't think I'm ready yet...I'm to afraid of the nurses and doctors I might run into, or who might recognize me.
Jayden's Incubator.
1 comment:
Thinking of you. I think I recognize a similar anger toward the doctors. I don't know how to resolve it. I thought about lawsuit, but DH, lawyer friends, and other informed friends all believed it would be too traumatic. I think I will always believe mistakes were made in how my daughter was fed, and believe that it led to the perforated bowel that killed her. But, even if I had succeeded in blame and gaining some kind of recognition, she would still be dead. And so I am left with my dreams, until my mind accepts what has happened.
Ah, but I have all this note was to say, "I think I understand some small part of how you feel." Dreams are so vivid and difficult to navigate at times.
Peace.
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