So I thought now would be a good time to start blogging. Things have not been the same sense my son, my baby boy Jayden passed away last October. It's been a little over a year now, and I'm still A mess. So I thought maybe blogging about my feelings would be a little therapeutic.
I spent the first few months after Jayden passed away completely numb, almost like I was in shock. For the first few weeks I woke up crying every morning wanting to rush to the nicu to see my baby boy, trying to convince myself that what had happened was just a nightmare...almost like I was in denial.
Exactly two months after my baby boy passed away my ex husband, my baby’s daddy, left me. For no reason other than he "couldn't deal with the relationship anymore." It was then that i freaked out. Up until then, he had been my rock, my comfort, the one I relied on to make everything better and comfort me while i tried to deal with the recent death of my son. Only what I didn't realize at the time is that he had to deal with it too...Only he needed to deal with it by himself.
After dealing with the numbness, and the distraction of my ex leaving me, I became angry. Sooo Angry. There where times when I became so frustrated that I hit walls or threw things. I blamed everyone and everything. But mostly I blame myself.
Two of the hardest days where the year mark, Jaydens birthday, and the day he passed away. The hardest part was the anticipation leading up to those days. His birthday was the hardest. I didn't know what to do with myself other than cry, and write him letters and talk to him. Of corse I visited his grave, and decorated it, but nothing could take away that empty feeling of not being able to celebrate that day with my little boy.
Now, A year later, I am sad. I kept anticipating that after a year things would get better, but they haven't. My arms are still empty, as well as my heart. I'm still angry from time to time, but mostly sad. There are so many un answered questions that are constantly running threw my head, the what if's...the why's. I almost feel as if I'm bi-polar sometimes these days, I can go from being just fine, and then a trigger will hit, I’ll see a baby that looks like Jayden or hear someone say his name, and I'll tear up. At first I couldn't even look at babies, couldn't touch them, couldn't even smile at them...because it made me feel guilty. But now I've gotten to the point where I talk to them and smile at them and do whatever I can to get them to smile at me, because I've convinced myself that every time a baby smiles at me that it's really my Jayden sending me a smile from Heaven. Then there are the times when I still get angry when I see a pregnant woman smiling and giggling thinking this is just such a perfect world...and I want to run up to her and tell her all the things that could still go wrong with her pregnancy and her baby because that’s what happened to me....but i don't...because deep inside I know that her and her baby are going to be just fine. But I can't be happy for her...and it makes me sad, because I don't want to be a cynical person.
I think about Jayden everywhere I go, I see him everywhere I go, I dream about him, and I long to be with him again...Friends and family try to comfort me by telling me I'll go on to have more children, sure maybe I will, in fact I'm almost sure I will, but that doesn't fill the hole in my heart, nobody could replace Jayden. I've become amazing at convincing people that I'm ok, when the truth is I'm screaming on the inside. I smile, I laugh, but when I'm alone I hurt. The truth is sense I lost my son I've become a totally different person. Broken. Damaged goods.
I spent the first few months after Jayden passed away completely numb, almost like I was in shock. For the first few weeks I woke up crying every morning wanting to rush to the nicu to see my baby boy, trying to convince myself that what had happened was just a nightmare...almost like I was in denial.
Exactly two months after my baby boy passed away my ex husband, my baby’s daddy, left me. For no reason other than he "couldn't deal with the relationship anymore." It was then that i freaked out. Up until then, he had been my rock, my comfort, the one I relied on to make everything better and comfort me while i tried to deal with the recent death of my son. Only what I didn't realize at the time is that he had to deal with it too...Only he needed to deal with it by himself.
After dealing with the numbness, and the distraction of my ex leaving me, I became angry. Sooo Angry. There where times when I became so frustrated that I hit walls or threw things. I blamed everyone and everything. But mostly I blame myself.
Two of the hardest days where the year mark, Jaydens birthday, and the day he passed away. The hardest part was the anticipation leading up to those days. His birthday was the hardest. I didn't know what to do with myself other than cry, and write him letters and talk to him. Of corse I visited his grave, and decorated it, but nothing could take away that empty feeling of not being able to celebrate that day with my little boy.
Now, A year later, I am sad. I kept anticipating that after a year things would get better, but they haven't. My arms are still empty, as well as my heart. I'm still angry from time to time, but mostly sad. There are so many un answered questions that are constantly running threw my head, the what if's...the why's. I almost feel as if I'm bi-polar sometimes these days, I can go from being just fine, and then a trigger will hit, I’ll see a baby that looks like Jayden or hear someone say his name, and I'll tear up. At first I couldn't even look at babies, couldn't touch them, couldn't even smile at them...because it made me feel guilty. But now I've gotten to the point where I talk to them and smile at them and do whatever I can to get them to smile at me, because I've convinced myself that every time a baby smiles at me that it's really my Jayden sending me a smile from Heaven. Then there are the times when I still get angry when I see a pregnant woman smiling and giggling thinking this is just such a perfect world...and I want to run up to her and tell her all the things that could still go wrong with her pregnancy and her baby because that’s what happened to me....but i don't...because deep inside I know that her and her baby are going to be just fine. But I can't be happy for her...and it makes me sad, because I don't want to be a cynical person.
I think about Jayden everywhere I go, I see him everywhere I go, I dream about him, and I long to be with him again...Friends and family try to comfort me by telling me I'll go on to have more children, sure maybe I will, in fact I'm almost sure I will, but that doesn't fill the hole in my heart, nobody could replace Jayden. I've become amazing at convincing people that I'm ok, when the truth is I'm screaming on the inside. I smile, I laugh, but when I'm alone I hurt. The truth is sense I lost my son I've become a totally different person. Broken. Damaged goods.
2 comments:
Mandy I am so glad you started your blog. I tried to journal in the beginning but something about writing the words was so painful. Blogging seems to be easier than pencil and paper. It helps to get it out there. Take care of you. Leigh
I am so sorry for your loss! I cried. Hot tears reading your painful story! I too wanted to kick down the door and go get Grace from the NICU but she was already gone! I am so sorry!
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