Jayden Vincent...

To My Beautiful baby boy,
I miss you everyday, but for some reason these past few weeks have been exceptionally hard and I don't know why. You've been on my mind sense the day you were born but lately I feel like I just lost you. Maybe its because I feel like everybody has forgotten about you except me...Maybe it's because I tell everybody I have three children but I feel like I should be telling them I have four...Maybe it's because Reagan is always telling me that "Jayden is her best friend" and she confuses Ryders room for Jaydens room even though shes never met you and all we've told her is that your her big brother...Sometimes it seems like she knows more about you then I do...I used to feel guilty if I didn't talk about you because you are my son and I am proud to be your mother...Now I catch myself feeling guilty when I do talk about you because I feel like everybody looks at me like I should be over it, or like I'm just looking for attention of some sort...Life has changed sooo much sense you came into this world...I never thought I would be where I am today...I've been trying to imagine how life would be if you were still here...you would be almost five years old...wow...I don't even know what five year old boys do....I wonder what you would be into, I bet you and Reagan would have so much fun together....
When I took the kids out to the cemetery last week she was so upset that she couldn't "see" you...she was expecting to get to hold the baby that she sees in pictures on my walls...I told her that you were in Heaven that we decorate for you and visit you so that you know we still love you and that your still a part of our family... she got very upset...she told me I was wrong that you are sick and at the doctor...I cried...I just said "yes, he's sick.."oddly enough I never imagined how I would explain to your little sisters and brother why you are not here....maybe I should have waited till she was older to tell her...I love her so much, and Jaycee and Ryder...I couldn't imagine life without them...It breaks my heart when I think of everything I missed out on with you. . . . I miss you...I miss everything I never got to do with you...I miss not getting to know who you are...I miss not ever hearing your voice, or your cry....I had so many hopes and dreams for you.
And I'm sorry... I'm sorry you had so much pain in your short life, I'm sorry you suffered so much because I wanted you so bad, I'm sorry I couldn't let you go and I still cant. I hope God sheltered you from that pain because It physically hurts me to think about how you must have felt with everything you went threw...I fought so hard because I really thought you were going to get better and come home. I made them do EVERYTHING they could to keep you alive because I wanted you sooooo bad. I'm sorry that I'm selfish. But I wouldn't trade a second that I had with you.
I miss you, I love you, and I'm sorry.....I will never forget how it felt to kiss your soft forehead and hold your tiny hand. Your my son, regardless of how many children I have, you are still my first born...you will always be special to me. I haven't forgot you, and I never will. It still hurts extremely bad that your not here...reading the old posts in this blog kills me because I had managed to block a lot of the hurt out until reading it...even after writing all this theres SOO much I want to say to you.. :( God, I wish I could just have one more day... I hope you know how much I love you...