capturing a short life...

I saw this trailer on youtube. my first thought was wow they said it all. I remember at least 3 different times the Doctors told Vince and I to bring our families down to the hospital to say there goodbyes. We had him baptised by the hospital Chaplin and by a priest from the church I used to go to. I remember sitting in Jaydens Nicu room for hours with Vince trying to decide if it was "time" or not... I remember having to tell the doctor that we had agreed with them to not resuscitate this time....the worst memory is when we finally had to agree to let them remove his ventilator...to take Jayden off of life support...

Everyone knows they are going to have hardships to face in life....but I never in my life thought I would have to make the decision to take my son off of life support, that has to be the hardest thing anyone could ever have to do. . . I still have the moldings of Jaydens hands held together sitting in my room but I am always sooo afraid someone is going to knock them and they are going to break. It's insane how over protective of his things I am, but the way I look at it is..."things" and memories are all I have left of him.

Stuck

I'm now 26 weeks 2 days. Made it passed the 23 week 5 day mark...
Had to go to the hospital last week with contractions, scared the hell out of me. Oddly enough I didn't have a panic attack like I thought for sure I would being in a hospital again. Had to get 3 shots of tributaline, which I hate, but anything is worth avoiding premature labor. I had so many shots of tributaline when I was pregnant with Jayden that I couldn't even count them, the next step after that is the magnesium which is nasty stuff, Didn't have to get any of that this time tho thank God. They didn't see anything wrong other than I guess I was dehydrated so they sent me home. I went to the Dr. the next day to get an ultrasound and make sure everything is still ok. It showed that everything looked good, they said she's a little over 2lbs right now which is awesome, but it's weird to think that she is bigger than her older brother.
Being in the hospital again shocked the hell out of me, I was so afraid they were going to try and air lift me to Good Sam again, and I was so prepared to raise hell and refuse Phoenix Children's hospital and demand St. Joes. Honestly tho I cant imagine ever walking into another NICU at any hospital.
Being back in the hospital did make me realize something tho. I am still stuck, I still feel like Jayden passed away yesterday, yet it's been almost 2 years now... I feel like the world kept turning for everyone else but my world stopped the day he died and I'm still stuck in the same state of mind. I guess theres nothing I can really do about it.

deja vous

I was 23 weeks 5 days pregnant when Jayden was born... Right now I am 20 weeks 4 days pregnant... It's really weird approaching Jaydens gestation...it's like I can't wait to pass that mark. . . but at the same time it's going to be weird...I don't even know how to explain why.

The baby's name is going to be Reagan Cheyanne. It was going to be Reagan Jade, so she could have a part of her brothers name, but we decided not to do that because some people think that she will grow up thinking we were trying to replace Jayden with her.

She started kicking allot a few weeks ago, which is great, I keep getting deja vous with when I was pregnant with Jayden though. All kinds of things have been making me have deja vous lately....I grabbed some lotion the other day and put it on and had to stop because I started having flashbacks of walking down the colorful halls of Phoenix Children's hospital, I almost started to cry...It must have been the same lotion I wore back when Jayden was here.

I've also been feeling so guilty lately because I've caught myself a few times thinking about how I cant wait for October 4th to get here...because that's when this baby is due....BUT then I stop and think twice....that's also the day Jayden passed away....how on earth could I even for a second look forward to that day....

It's weird but A part of me really believes that this baby is due on that day for a reason....like Jayden is sending me a reason so that I don't have to hate and dread that day anymore.....but I still feel extremely guilty when I think about it.

I am still on edge everyday. I know there are still so many things that can go wrong. I want so bad to just be optimistic and have faith that everything will be ok, but I cant.

" I know there'll be days, when this life brings me pain. But if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain"

Happy Mothers Day to all Angel Mommys

I just wanted to take the time to wish all the angel mommy's out there a Happy Mothers day...I know its a very hard day, and I know all to well that alot of people forget about us on days like today.
I went to the cemetery this morning and brought Jayden some new flowers and some toys. There were more people out there today than there were on Christmas.
I was thinking about what I would be doing today if Jayden were still here...I would probably take him to the park to play, take him to see both of his Grandmas, but most of all I would hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him and how proud I am to be his mom.

A Mother's Day Ode

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminsh my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an Infinite bond which cannot come undone.
I will not let Death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart.
©Susan Mosquera, all rights reserved

Where has the time gone...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I hadn't really thought about it until today. There's not much I can do to celebrate sense I'm on bed rest so I decided I'll just have a quiet day and go visit Jayden at the cemetery. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks...August is only 3 months away now, that means in a little over three months Jayden will be A two year old.
It's been driving me crazy lately with this new pregnancy. I'm at 18 weeks now and we just found out a couple weeks ago that it's going to be a baby girl! but it's so hard answering people's questions...all the time people are assuming that this is my first pregnancy and trying to give me advice on what its going to feel like when the baby kicks and moves..I'm constantly having to remind people that I was 6 months pregnant with Jayden before he was born, I know what it's like to be pregnant.
But then the worse part is when people start telling me how to take care of a newborn and how I'm not going to get all the sleep...you know, the usual...I want to snap there heads off and scream that I've already had a baby! that I have a son he's just not here anymore! but I can't...I have to bite my tongue and nod my head in agreement.. It breaks my heart to suck up my pride and admit that even though Jayden lived for almost 6 weeks I never got to do any of the normal everyday things you would do with a newborn. I hate taking advise on things that I should already know...but don't....It honestly makes me feel like a failure as a mom.
It's hard for me to picture my son as a two year old. All these questions run through my mind...What would he look like? what would he do? what would he be like? would he be a daddy's boy or a Mommy's boy? I wander if anyone else thinks about Jayden as much as I do....I think about him everyday...

They Just Don't Stop.

The dreams. I had another one again the other night.


I was in the same high risk hospital bed, in the same room at Good Sam, when the main Neonatologist from Jayden's team of doctors walked into my room. She was coming to give me the same consultation on the NICU that she gave me with Jayden. Only this consult was before I gave birth to this new baby.


So many emotions came over me, even in the dream. The same doctor...the doctor which I have spent so much time and energy hating for the last year...she thinks I'm going to allow her to care for this child too...In the dream I couldn't decide, I didn't know what to do or say to her, I was in so much shock even having to face her.


I don't know why I've put so much blame on this doctor for the last year, after all she did give me the 5 weeks and 3 days that I had with Jayden, she even came to his funeral and sent flowers to the house. But there is still a huge part of me that hates her for not making my son better, and for the attitude I always felt she had because he was a micro preemie. She is the doctor that agreed with the other doctors to up Jaydens feeds, leading to a horrible chain of events. First it caused him to perforate his intestines, which caused him to have 2 enterococcus infections which later turned into spinal meningitis, and it caused him to have Necrotizing enterocolitis. All of which inevitably led to his death. But...because it is "common practice" to feed micro preemies like this.... I'm not allowed to blame her....Bull... See, I have such mixed feelings about her, and some of the other doctors, that I don't even know what to do with it all, so I just try my hardest not to think about it.



I don't even know why I am having these dreams, I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong with this baby, but so far everything is going perfect.





I actually drove within A mile or two of the hospital last week without having a panic attack. I could see it from the stop light. I just kept thinking...that's where my son took his first breath...that's where he opened his eyes and griped onto my hand...that's where he died.


I actually thought about seeing how close I could get to the hospital without breaking down. There has been a few times when I've thought about forcing myself to go there and go out to the healing garden where Jayden passed away in my arms...But I don't think I'm ready yet...I'm to afraid of the nurses and doctors I might run into, or who might recognize me.








Jayden's Incubator.

Fearfull Dreams

I had the most horrible dream last night. My boyfriend (Jayden's dad) and I were back walking down the hall of Phoenix Children's hospital NICU. When we reach the entrance to the NICU doors I took Vince's hand and slowly approached the receptionists desk. When she opened the window I immediately started rattling off the names of Jayden's 4 primary nurses that we had picked out..."Dikaledi, Julie, Lisa, Denise..." I told the receptionist that we needed to talk to whichever one of them was there and that it was urgent. Julie then came out of the NICU doors and recognized us right off, she started to ask us how we were doing and trying to catch up. Before she could finish a sentence I started telling her that Vince and I were going to have another baby soon and that It was definitely going to be a preemie, and definitely going to have to spend a lot of time in the NICU so they should be prepared because I wanted them to primary this baby as well. She had this look on her face like she totally understood and that it was no shock that this baby would too be a preemie...Then we left, and that was it.
I woke up with the weirdest feeling, and its been bothering me all day.
I hate dreams like that, I don't want anything like that to happen this time. My biggest fear is ever having to bury another one of my children, or ever having to step foot in another NICU. I can't even drive by Good Samaritan Hospital without having a panic attack.
Being pregnant again is weird. I'm happy, but I'm constantly comparing things to when I was pregnant with Jayden and it makes me sad. I compare everything to do with babies with Jayden, and everything to do with pregnancy. Everything is a constant reminder of how much I miss my little man, sometimes it's a good feeling, but a lot of times it just makes me sad. I can't even go to my OB's office without thinking about when I was going there pregnant with Jayden.


"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

Every day is a Milestone

As of today I am 8 weeks and 3 days. I don't know why but I am still amazed and over joyed that I have made it this far. Right now I really do feel like every day I stay pregnant is a milestone. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and not think of all the horrible outcomes that could arise, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm so afraid to get attached to this little one...but it's soo hard not to.

I woke up yelling Jaydens name in my sleep the other night, I think I was trying to yell at my dog Daisy to move, but I woke up yelling "Jayden!", and it really scared me. The other weird thing is, up until now, every time I pictured Jayden I still saw him as a little baby, but lately I've been picturing him as the little boy that he would be right now, the little 1 and a half year old running around in Heaven. I don't know if it's because I've been thinking of him as being a big brother, or if its because my grief is somehow maybe getting easier to deal with...

Last week when I was going to bed I was so excited about the new baby, I was picturing getting family pictures done, and I just got overwhelmed with this weird feeling like something was wrong. I started to tear up. Something was missing, I realized that even with this new baby coming, my family will still always be missing a big piece without Jayden, there is still always going to be someone missing in the family picture. And I am still always going to have a piece of my heart missing.

Of All Days...

We got up early this morning to go to the ob to see the baby's heartbeat. The heartbeat was strong and everything looked and sounded great until the ultrasound tech asked if we knew the due date. I told her they had told me sometime in September or October but nothing for sure yet.

She said the "official" due date is October 4Th. My mouth dropped. That's the day Jayden died. The day I spent all year dreading. The day I tried to block off the calender last year. I asked her if it was definite or if it could possibly change, she said it's a pretty for sure due date.

I really don't know what to think. I fought so hard not to cry on the drive leaving the doctor.

Some people are telling me that it's a good thing because it's like Jayden coming back, or sending us a reason to be happy on that day instead of sad.

What people don't understand is that I love this baby so much, but no baby could replace Jayden, and it's not Jayden "coming back". This is his little brother or sister and he is up in Heaven watching over it every day.

I just don't know what to think. I don't know how I am supposed to look forward to that day, I just can't get excited for that day....I hate that day.... I'm so so confused right now I don't even know what to make of it. All I keep telling myself is that I'll get induced early and not have to worry about it. It's just so weird.....

Bad Friends

It's been bothering me for over a week now, I haven't written about it because I guess deep down I was hoping for a surprise apology...No such luck.
I told one of my best friends I was pregnant again week before last...Her first words were "I think you should get an abortion." my response "WHAT?!?...Why would I do that? I want a baby! I'm happy!" She went on to say she doesn't think it's right because of how things are between me and my ex, and how she doesn't support it at all.
It was the most upsetting response I had gotten from someone about this new pregnancy, and for it to have came from one of my best friends just made it that much worse.
I was venting to one of my other friends about it...and out came something ever worse. She tells me "Don't be mad, but I agree with her." She then went on to say, "I think you getting an abortion is going to mess you up in the head, but I think it will mess you up more if you miscarry again or have what happened to Jayden repeat itself."
I was speechless, I just changed the subject and said nothing more about it. I now feel guilty that I didn't tell either of them off, but I really cant stress about it. I don't believe in abortion, I would rather leave the fate of my child's life in Gods hands rather than determine it myself.
I am so happy that Jayden is going to be a big brother. It hurts so much that some of what were my closest friends can't support me through this, especially sense they know how much I want this, but I really don't need friends like that anyways. The truth is they could never understand what it's like to lose a child, and I hope they never do.

Tiny Miracle

how could someone do that?...

I've been visiting Jayden a lot lately, especially sense finding out I'm pregnant again. I was out at his grave probably about 4 times last week. Well Thursday when I went out there I noticed that the valentines decorations that I had left out the day before where already gone. They usually throw away the flowers and decorations...but not for a few weeks, and all the other babies still had they're decorations out.
Anyways when I got closer to his headstone I noticed that not only were all his decorations gone, so was the vase that is built into his headstone (but comes out so it can be cleaned). I was furious! so mad that I started to cry, I walked around every single Grave in the baby section hoping that maybe his Vase had just fallen out and the wind had blown it away or something (even though it's very heavy metal), but his vase was nowhere around.
I stormed up to the office and quickly told them about my Jaydens missing vase, they sat me down in the office and explained to me that evidently those vases get stolen from the baby section all the time, that people steal them and sell them! They also said a lot of times when someones vase gets stolen, they go steal one from another baby to give back to they're baby!
They said that because it's the first time this has happened to me that they'll try to find me a "damaged" one to replace it but that it will most likely get stolen again and then I'm going to have to pay $50 to replace it! Can you believe that!
Who would steal from the dead!! From a baby!! It is so upsetting to me to know that there are people out there horrible enough to do that!!....And then to hear from the cemetery that it could have been another angel parent that took it because there's got taken, I don't believe that at all!
I am so angry with the cemetery right now, my baby boy shouldn't have to have a damaged vase because some As*hole took his! and the cemetery should have better security...especially when they know that's happening out there!

Pregnant!

So...I know in one of my previous posts I had said something about hanging out with Jaydens dad again, well we have been hanging out a lot...and come to find out this past Sunday I'm Pregnant! I'm so happy, but so scared. I can't go through what happened with Jayden again.
I went to the doctor on Monday, he said it looks like I'm about 4 weeks right now but that it looks like the baby is in a good spot and so far everything is good, no bleeding or anything. He did say that he understands how scared I am and because of it he is filling out paperwork for my job so that I can bed rest myself. So far I have a good feeling about this one, I know Jayden is up in Heaven watching over his little brother or sister.
We go back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat and the doctor said as long as we get a good healthy heartbeat then that my chances of miscarrying will drop from 1/3 to 1 in 50.

Dreams

When Jayden first passed away, his doctors warned me of what they called "the dreams." They said that many parents, after loosing an infant experience dreams of the baby that can be very painful.
I thought they were crazy. I wanted more than anything for Jayden to visit me in my dreams and let me know that he was ok. I figure sense I can't see or touch my baby anymore, having him visit me in my dreams would be the closest I could get to him.
Well those dreams didn't come right away. I prayed every night before I went to sleep, and still had no dreams of Jayden in Heaven. For a while directly after Jayden passed away I had dreams of him as a 2 year old, and as a little boy growing up with me, but those just hurt, waking up after those dreams just reminded me of all the hopes and plans I had for my son that where taken away from me.
When I was pregnant with Jayden, when I reached around 5 months and knew he was a boy, his dad started bugging me to come up with a boy name that we could both agree on. That night I went to bed and dreamt I had a little boy named Jayden, I woke up and mentioned the name to his dad, and we both fell in love with it.
I still haven't had any dreams of Jayden in Heaven, but lately I've been having some pretty odd dreams.
A few weeks ago I had a dream that my Grandma was really sick, I was sitting in the living room and my mom walked out of A bedroom and told me that my Grandma had just died. I looked at my mom with a half smile and said, don't worry she's rocking Jayden in Heaven right now, and I had this very vivid picture in my head of my Grandma sitting in her rocking chair rocking a baby back and forth. When I woke up I was pretty upset because my Grandma is very sick right now.
A few nights after I had that dream I dreamt that I was pregnant. Next thing I know I'm laying in the same high risk delivery room that I had Jayden in, only this time the doctor hands me my baby after I gave birth. It was a big full term healthy baby girl. The first thing I did when the doctor put her in my arms was cry and look down at her, then I said, "did you give your big brother Jayden a kiss for me?" I woke up wanting to cry...the whole dream was just so weird to me, having a full term baby...actually being able to hold my baby after it was born, and wandering if I'll ever be able to love another baby as much as I love Jayden.
It's weird, sometimes I think having another baby would fill the emptiness I'm constantly feeling, but the truth is I know that It's never going to go away. No baby could fill Jaydens spot in my heart. Lately I'm just having a hard time learning how to cope with trying to understand why my son had to go so soon, and I am looking for answers in anything whether it be books or dreams, I just wish there was something that could help me understand.

Tearfull Days

I saw this video on youtube and started crying from the very beginning. The song Home by Daughtry was the first song I heard after Jayden passed away, and I kept hearing it every time I turned on the radio for days after he passed. I really felt like it was Jayden trying to talk to me through the lyrics of that song. It was also the song that we had played at his funeral.

Watching this video just brought back so many memories, so many of those babies look just like my little man. I just want to hold him and kiss him again so bad. I've been having so many dreams about him lately, and hearing his name so much. I miss him so much!

March of Dimes Phoenix09

Starting up my 09 team for the Phoenix March of Dimes. Trying to do whatever I can so that all babies can be born healthy, and to fight premature birth.

A New Year

2008 is over. Thank God. Who knows what 2009 has to bring.
New years last year was very hard. I didn't want to leave 2007 behind. In April of 07 I found out I was 2 months pregnant with Jayden, and spent months on bed rest and in the hospital preparing for the birth of my baby boy. I was at the ob office at least once a week, sometimes twice, but they always told me everything was going to be fine. In August of 07 Jayden was born. And on October 4th of 07 he passed away. On Halloween of 07 I was driving my brother somewhere and I remember him telling me "Mandy, you're driving like crazy, you're going to get a ticket." and I remember telling him, "I don't care, they can take me to jail, nothing matters anymore." That night I was driving back to where I was living at the time in Avondale, and I got a criminal speeding ticket. On December 4th of 07 my sons dad left me. Though the end of 07 was so so horrible, it was still the best year of my life, it was the year I met my son, and had 5 weeks and 3 days of complete happiness with my baby boy.
2008 was has been the hardest year of my life. The first year I spent trying to grieve the loss of my son and my family. On New Years last year I spent the day moving into a new apartment with my roommate and working. Right after moving into our new apartment I was driving home in the rain one day and ran into another car. My brand new car that I had gotten when I was pregnant blew up, literally blew up in the middle of the street. The fire department had to come to put out my car. In less than one year God gave me everything I had ever wanted, my beautiful baby boy, the husband that I loved, and a brand new beautiful car to take my baby home from the hospital in. And in less than a year God took it all away from me.
There are so many times in the last year that I've asked why? why me? what did I do? why my son? why did my son have to hurt? There where so so many nights that I just cried myself to sleep talking to my baby boy. And there where even times that I was so angry that I hit walls and threw things. I sold all my furniture because I couldn't take looking at it and thinking of all the memories of the family I once had.
Now it is 2009. 2008 is over and done. Now I look back in awe. I honestly don't know how I have survived the last year. I don't know how I made it out alive. All the "A year ago from now's." Answering every ones questions about how my son passed away. Hearing some of the cruelest things from people about "how I grieve" or why I don't seem sad enough...well here's the story on that...Its easy for me to talk and hide my true feelings from people who have no clue or true understanding of what I'm going threw, but when I meet another mother who has lost a child, or hear stories about the loss of a baby, I break down, my true feelings really come out, because I know I cant hide my feelings from someone who has already been there and knows exactly what I am going threw.
I hate that I am starting this new year without my son. I hate that I go to work everyday and pay bills and spend money...for what....for myself...that's not what I want, I want to be doing those things for my family, for the people I love, for my baby. Everyday I am working hard to survive, and all I can say is for what...why...what is my purpose now?
I am trying my hardest to have a positive outlook on 2009 but so far it is grim. If 2009 is anything like 2008 then I don't want to live to see 2010.