Fearfull Dreams

I had the most horrible dream last night. My boyfriend (Jayden's dad) and I were back walking down the hall of Phoenix Children's hospital NICU. When we reach the entrance to the NICU doors I took Vince's hand and slowly approached the receptionists desk. When she opened the window I immediately started rattling off the names of Jayden's 4 primary nurses that we had picked out..."Dikaledi, Julie, Lisa, Denise..." I told the receptionist that we needed to talk to whichever one of them was there and that it was urgent. Julie then came out of the NICU doors and recognized us right off, she started to ask us how we were doing and trying to catch up. Before she could finish a sentence I started telling her that Vince and I were going to have another baby soon and that It was definitely going to be a preemie, and definitely going to have to spend a lot of time in the NICU so they should be prepared because I wanted them to primary this baby as well. She had this look on her face like she totally understood and that it was no shock that this baby would too be a preemie...Then we left, and that was it.
I woke up with the weirdest feeling, and its been bothering me all day.
I hate dreams like that, I don't want anything like that to happen this time. My biggest fear is ever having to bury another one of my children, or ever having to step foot in another NICU. I can't even drive by Good Samaritan Hospital without having a panic attack.
Being pregnant again is weird. I'm happy, but I'm constantly comparing things to when I was pregnant with Jayden and it makes me sad. I compare everything to do with babies with Jayden, and everything to do with pregnancy. Everything is a constant reminder of how much I miss my little man, sometimes it's a good feeling, but a lot of times it just makes me sad. I can't even go to my OB's office without thinking about when I was going there pregnant with Jayden.


"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”